The Life Coach School defines boundaries as something you create for yourself and “includes a request you make of someone to change a certain behavior and a consequence of what you will do to self-protect if they violate the boundary.”
Boundaries come from a place of love. First, you must be clear to yourself about what your personal boundaries are. Then, the boundary needs to be communicated when it has been violated with the consequence clearly stated if it continues or happens again.
1. The request: ask someone to stop doing the thing that infringes on you or your property (literally or figuratively).
2. The consequence: tell the person what you will do if they do not comply with your request.
Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people’s behaviors or ultimatums. Boundaries come from a place of love to promote self-kindness, protecting your self, emotions, and time. Boundaries are important with partners, children, family, bosses, and patients. All relationships can have healthy boundaries.
Common Pitfalls:
- Not making the request.
- Not following through on the consequence.
Often these come from fear of putting oneself first and what someone else might make that mean. (i.e. I’m selfish, rude, uncaring, etc.) This is one way people end up in relationships (personal or professional) based on pretenses, resentments, and lies.
So, ask gently of yourself: What do I need or want right now? Honor yourself and what is authentic and true for you—and then communicate that honestly. AND then be willing to let other people have their own thoughts and feelings.
Relationships can then flourish from a place of open honesty and authenticity. For the people pleasers in the room, sometimes pausing enough to reflect on what is ok for you and/or what you want or need can be the hardest part. Perhaps you have accepted many roles or behaviors or had boundaries crossed without communication before and now are stewing in resentment?
Quick flip back to Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart; “Resentment is part of envy.” Remember “Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/ or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.”
“Now when I start to feel resentful, instead of thinking: What is that person doing wrong? Or what should they be doing? I think: What do I need but am afraid to ask for?”
Are there boundaries you want to implement at home? At work? With friends or family? Ready to stop feeling resentful? Join our small group today! Coaching will give you tools and the space to practice implementing them– giving you wins right away!
