The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome

Last week, I mentioned 4 books I’d recently finished. 

The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome by Harriet Braiker, PhD was a great reminder of the power of NO.

If only we could all embrace our inner 2 or 3-year-old.
(If you’ve had a two-year-old, you know what I mean; if not, imagine a small tyrant who has a 20-word vocabulary, but you’re convinced they only know “NO!”) 

A client and I were talking about relationship struggles, especially with holding boundaries and saying NO. This is a big topic, and it can be broken up in many ways. I wanted to give a few snippets here.

[I think my son was 3 here but, see what a day apart for school photos can do to the simple request for a ‘Smile’! One was a clear NO, the other was a sure thing.] 

Chapter 2 from The Disease to Please talks about Toxic Thoughts. 

“While people-pleasers may think they excel at making others happy, their real talent lies in making themselves feel miserable and inadequate.”

‘Damn lady, that seems harsh,’ is what my brain told me when I read that line… But maybe she’s on to something. 

“By now, maybe you realize just how good you are at making yourself feel bad. As a people-pleaser, you push yourself around with command orders, burden yourself with a strict, rigid code of personal rules and measure yourself against unrealistic, judgmental standards. And you do all this in order to be a niceperson! But why can’t you be nice to yourself?”

The antidote: quit should-ing yourself.

Perhaps it’s time to re-examine the “shoulds” in your life. 

And maybe ask: is that true? Should I do that? Or feel that? I wonder why I think that?

It’s ok to realize that should likely came from past conditioning or societal expectations AND that you simply don’t buy in anymore. And when the little voice creeps back in whispering ‘but you should’… you can say no thank you in whatever form you’d like (silly, humor, snark, angry, whatever).

My favorite practice right now: “I’m not available for that.”

It works in many places: at home, with kids, at work, extra-curricular activities, etc. It’s simple, respectful, and straight to the point. 

And it’s a practice… but with some time and re-wiring, it can be available to you just as easily as a regretful/ resentful yes. 

Want a few other ways to say no? I’ll introduce you to a new book idea I have: Fifty Shades of No.

Here’s the Cliffnotes version:

The polite NO:

1. I appreciate the offer, but I have to decline.

2. Thank you for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass.

3. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it.

4. I wish I could, but I have other commitments.

5. I’ll have to respectfully decline this time.

With a little humor NO:

1. I’d love to, but my pet rock has a dentist appointment.

2. Sorry, I have a date with my couch and Netflix.

3. I’d rather stick forks in my eyes, but thanks for asking.

4. I’m allergic to [insert activity], so I’ll have to pass.

5. I’m busy perfecting my air guitar skills at the moment.

With a little snark NO:

1. How about no? Does that work for you?

2. I’d rather set myself on fire than say yes to that.

3. In what universe would I say yes to that?

4. I’m tempted to say yes, but then I remembered I have self-respect.

5. I’d rather walk barefoot on a field of Legos than say yes.

6. I’m going to have to pass on that delightful offer.

7. I’ll get back to you on that… just kidding, it’s a hard no.

8. Sorry, I’m fresh out of patience and “yes”es.

9. I’m busy that day… and the day after… and the day after that.

10. I’ll have to decline your generous offer of torture, thanks.

Hmm… looks like snark is winning.

But I’ll bring it back; Brené Brown likes to say: “Clear is kind.” 

A simple no, I’m not available for that will usually suffice. Feel free to embrace your inner 2-year-old.

It’s a simple but incredibly important practice that will give you back TIME. By saying no, you get more time for the Yes stuff in your life. 

Having a hard time with “no”– setup a call here;  I can help.