A Lesson from Learning to Ride Bikes
My daughter was recently careening down a hill on her bike. She loves this one particular street because she can “fly down.” Well, the flight ended with a bit of a rough landing as she tried to skid around her younger brother, sliding right into the curb at the end of the road. There were lots of tears, a little blood, and big hugs.
As she replayed the fall that night before bed, I got to see her thoughts about what happened and what she was telling herself: what she did or didn’t do and what she could do differently next time… and what she was making it mean about her.
So, it made me think about myself and my clients: when was the last time you thought about… well, your thoughts about yourself? Not just a passing reflection, but really taking stock of your inner dialogue. As the holiday season rolls in—with its endless to-do lists and expectations—is your inner voice more self-deprecating or self-appreciating?
As working moms, we’re experts at encouraging others, especially our kids. But when it comes to ourselves? That’s where things get complicated.
Learning to Ride:
Over the past few years, I’ve watched my 6- and 7-year-olds learn to ride bikes, and something struck me after my daughter had this wipe out. These experiences are filled with encouragement, compassion, and kindness: “You’ve got this!” “Look how far you’ve come!” “Let’s try again!” accompanied by hugs, high-fives and sometimes even a bit of laughter. Yet when it comes to our own growth and challenges, that compassionate voice often goes silent… and sometimes gets quite cynical, critical, or downright mean.
Here’s what I’ve noticed in my coaching practice with working moms: we’re experts at self-criticism, but novices at self-appreciation. Like any muscle, what we practice grows stronger. If we’re constantly flexing our self-criticism muscle while letting our self-appreciation muscle atrophy, guess which one becomes dominant?
Understanding FOPO:
(Don’t worry if you have NO idea what the heck FOPO stands for.)
This insight resonates deeply with what I just discovered in Michael Gervais’s powerful book, “The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying About What People Think of You.” Gervais introduces a concept that many of my clients struggle with: FOPO (Fear of Other People’s Opinions). He describes it as “a hidden epidemic and may be the single greatest constrictor of human potential.”
Think about that for a moment.
How often do we let FOPO hijack our internal narrative? Instead of tuning into our own wisdom and values, we obsess over others’ real or imagined judgments. (Hello Holidays!)
When’s the last time you worried about:
-Missing a school event because of work
-Missing a work deadline because of a sick kid
-Being judged for ordering takeout… again
-Having a messy house when guests visit
Often, we internalize other people’s words as the truth. OR put words in their mouths altogether because of our own inner monologue. But as Gervais puts it, “The sooner you fundamentally change your relationship with other people’s opinions, the sooner you become free. Totally free to be at home with yourself wherever you are.”
“Mastery in any area of life—the arts, business, parenting, sports—requires being able to differentiate what is and is not within our control. When we place attention on things outside our control, we take our focus and energy from what we can control. Hence, the first rule of mastery requires looking within and fundamentally committing to work on mastering what’s 100% under your control. There is nothing else that can be mastered. This is the essence of the path.”
The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying About What People Think of You.
The path to mastery – whether in parenting, career, or personal growth – begins with focusing on what’s within our control. While we can’t fully control every thought that pops into our head (remember– wild thoughts arise!) we can choose how we respond to them. And which ones we strengthen by repeating.
Building Self-Appreciation:
We can indeed build that self-appreciation muscle… and self-kindness/ self-compassion.
Start small. Talk to yourself like you would to a child learning something new: with kindness, compassion, and encouragement. When you catch that inner critic getting loud, imagine what you’d say to a friend in the same situation. Better yet, imagine what you’d say to your bike-riding child after an epic wipe-out.
The beautiful truth is that you don’t need anyone’s permission to be kind to yourself. When you get comfortable with your own inner dialogue, those external opinions naturally lose their grip. Like my kids eventually finding their balance on their bikes, you too can find your balance between self-awareness and self-appreciation– knowing how far you’ve come and that perhaps there’s still more you want to learn and do!
P.S. Ready to strengthen your self-appreciation muscle with some expert guidance?
As a coach specializing in working moms, I understand the unique challenges of balancing self-growth with family and career. Let’s explore how we can work together to quiet that inner critic and amplify your authentic voice.
I’m offering free 30-minute consultation calls where we can:
- Discuss your current challenges with self-criticism and FOPO
- Identify what’s holding you back from feeling confident and aligned
- Explore practical strategies tailored to your specific situation
- See if we’re a good fit for working together
Click below to schedule your free consultation call.
Like teaching a child to ride a bike, sometimes we all need someone to walk alongside us. And I promise, I’ll be the first to shout “You’ve got this! Look how far you’ve come!”
Heidi
