So last week I took a mini detour to Byron Katie’s “The Work”… It was intentional. I think questioning “is it true” can be super helpful when we are examining beliefs.
It helps when I reflect on the past and the story I added to “what happened,” but also is incredibly helpful in building a future with more intention. Why? Because most of us rely on our past for our identity and our beliefs. This creates so much more heartache than it needs to…
Think of all the things you haven’t done… until you do: graduate college and beyond/date or have a serious partner/ have kids/ buy a house… this list can be endless.
What if you didn’t try those things because you hadn’t done them before OR had a belief that YOU weren’t the kind of person who could….
Our past is sneaky and often actively molds who we think we are and what we can do.Unless we question it.
Exercise: Tell the story of your past in two ways. This one really helps to write it out if you have some time.
You had a horrible childhood
You had the perfect childhood
Which is true? Or truer? Who gets to decide?
When the shoulds or regrets come up: rewrite them. I should have can become “I learned that”… it can be so powerful. “It should have been different” is a common one. Arguing with reality (the facts at least) generates a lot of stress, anxiety, anger, etc. I never find it all that useful. Now questioning the story I tell myself about what those facts mean: very helpful if it’s a negative story or one I’d like to drop.
(Quick plug for therapy here. There are many times, an expert therapist/ psychologist needs to help intervene here. I’m not condoning traumas that happened.) Please seek professional help if this reaches beyond helpful coaching. The past is done. And that can’t be change. If you list out the facts. That is what happened. This is the circumstance. (This is where I can digress from the strict Life Coach school mantra that every circumstance is neutral. There’s “badness” in my book that simply isn’t neutral and I never want it to be….But it’s also ok that my thoughts around this are mine and I can choose to feel sad/ angry about it.)
But where we do have control is what we make that badness mean, especially about us. And here, there is control. Again, arguing with the past doesn’t serve us. We can spend a lot of energy wanting things to have gone differently, wishing things could be changed. But that’s arguing with reality… unless you come up with a time-warp machine… the past is the past. Now: what do you make it mean?
What if your childhood (or life) happened exactly as it was supposed to?
What if it happened for you?
This one can be tough… but the truth is– our past has molded us, and each life event has impacted us… now it doesn’t get to dictate our future, but sometimes it’s important to recognize the small or large part of it that created us as we are (or as we aren’t)…
What if that person (you!) is exactly as s/he is supposed to be right now?
Can you retell the story where you are the hero?
