Hope everyone had a safe and joy-filled 4th of July! Holidays are often great reminders why coaching can be so helpful… Hoping this can help for the next one;)
There’s a concept from the Life Coach School called “The Manual.” I love this concept because it’s just so very human. Whether it’s with our parents, our spouses, our kids, co-workers, or patients–the “shoulds” run rampant! 
The way this is defined in this context: a manual is an “instruction guide” we have for someone in our lives about how we would like them to behave so we can feel good and happy. Often, we don’t tell the other person what’s in our manual… somehow they should “just know.” The other piece: we often don’t even realize we have it OR see the pain it causes.
But remember, humans have the ability and freedom to behave however they choose. At the individual level, there’s freedom in this. In reflecting this 4th of July, I would be remiss not to mention all the freedoms sadly taken away from Americans this year, between reproductive rights, LGBTQIA+ rights, affirmative action… there’s a lot that we need to get to work on… but my aim here is to bring us back to an individual level, there’s rarely anything you HAVE to do, and to focus this on “the manual,” there’s really nothing anyone else HAS to do for you. (Despite what our brains often tell us we have to do or “they should do”!)
When you are in a relationship where you feel responsible for filling someone else’s needs and they feel responsible for filling yours, there is constant manipulation and effort to control one another– in the end: nobody wins. You end up emotionally strung along by someone else’s behaviors. When you realize that you can choose to think (and therefore feel/ act) however you want independent of another’s actions, there’s a lot of freedom in that! Remember, we are naturally wired for connection and interdependence, but unhealthy codependence doesn’t help anyone. (Shout out to podcast # 196 Interdependence by Victoria Albina: https://victoriaalbina.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/FW-Tra…)
Simply put, when you are using manuals for everyone in your life, you are putting your emotions in their hands. You are giving away all your power.
How to let go of the manual:
- Remember, controlling our own behavior is hard enough… it’s not worth the time or effort trying to control someone else’s. When your feelings (about yourself or the other person) are relying on what they do rather than what you think, you get strung along.
- Take responsibility for how you feel, regardless of other people’s behavior. Use boundaries when you need them. Know that between stimulus and response, there’s space: you get to choose what you think.
- What happens if you let go of all the rules, regulations, and attempts to control others? Focus on controlling only yourself and your responses to how others behave.
Side note: are you a parent or boss? If you are setting clear expectations for your children or employees and have clear consequences for not meeting those expectations, you will have no reason to be emotionally hurt if or when they fail to meet them. The expectations are clear and the consequence follows.
Follow me again to Brené Brown’s work in Atlas of the Heart, where she discusses disappointment; “disappointment is unmet expectations.” She defines two categories of expectations: “expectations that are unexamined and unexpressed (aka stealth expectations) and examined and expressed expectations.”(For me: stealth expectations are how I relate to the manual. Boundaries are directly related to the examined and expressed expectations.)
“The unconscious, unexamined, and unexpressed expectations are the most dangerous and often turn into disappointment… “When we develop expectations, we paint a picture in our head of how things are going to be and how they’re going to look…. This means that our expectations are often set on outcomes totally beyond our control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react. The movie in our mind is wonderful, but no one knows their parts, their lines, or what it means to us.”Her recommendation: “Reality-check, communicate, and dig into the intentions driving expectations.
What expectations do you have going into this? What do you want to happen? Why? What will that mean to you?…Are you setting goals and expectations that are completely outside of your control?”
I hope this helps explain why stealth expectations are a setup for disappointment.
Join me this month–we have an incredible plan to dive into this concept and more! We have a few incredible exercises on how this can impact your everyday life: with a partner, boss, child, patient, etc.
Cheers to our freedom to choose, especially when it comes to how we treat ourselves and each other.
Finally ready to join our small group? We meet on Sundays or Wednesdays: it’s an amazing space for connection, acceptance, and growth. I teach new coaching tools, you work on implementing them, and we sort through all the tweaks together to make sure you get the results you most want in your life: more freedom, less burnout, better relationships, weight loss– whatever you are struggling with, coaching can help. When we do it together, it feels so much less daunting, especially knowing you are in a community of docs committed to transformation.
PS I like transparency and logistics: it’s $100/month: 4 group sessions/month. No hidden fees or surprise add-ons. Sign up today here!
Have questions? Book now via Calendly for a free session or to find out more.
Email me @ doctorsempowered@gmail.com with any questions.
