Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Last week, we talked about boundaries and I wanted to share some of my favorite highlights from a book I read some time ago but is incredibly relevant to this topic: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. 

It’s a great read. I recognize this email is a long one, but I wanted to give you the best recap and sample life application so if you see yourself in a similar trap, know that coaching can help you find your way out.

For me, boundary issues became front and center in my life after my second child. I was thigh-high in the quicksand of boundary problems; I had little boundaries with work. With admin duties, I was available by phone and text 24-7; I took no time off post-partum from this role (a personal choice I should add, but very well representative of my lack of boundaries for myself). I answered work phone calls less than 3 hours after delivering my son… I wanted some “normalcy” and didn’t want motherhood to change my personal or professional values. Heck, I did crossfit until the day before I delivered both kids. I was really resistance to how my life was about to change. 

I was proud of these things at the time; I really felt like I could balance it all. Now, I cringe a little… but I didn’t know what I didn’t know. With perspective comes growth and I can view that now with kindness and compassion.

Fast forward to when my son was about 18 months old; I was at my wit’s end with work. I felt helpless and disempowered in multiple areas of my life. Covid had just shut down the world. The simple straw for me: wanting my giant toddler to sit in his own chair for mealtime. I needed physical and mental space and couldn’t eat any more meals with another person literally on top of me. One day, it clicked… I could just say no. So, at the same time that we were sending our children to a conscious-discipline school and teaching them to use their big voice to say “please stop; I don’t like that,” I too learned I could do the same. This probably goes without saying at this point, but growing up, we lacked boundaries in our family and I grew up a total people pleaser. With two small kids, I knew I wanted something different for our family… and I knew my issues were mine to own.

Tawwab goes on: “List of areas where self-boundaries are helpful:

• -your finances
• -your time management
• -your self-care
• -the treatment you allow from others
• -your thoughts (yes, you can stop talking to yourself in an unkind way, just like you might stop someone else from being mean to you)
• -your reactions
• -the people you allow in your life”

This is an amazing intersection of mindfulness, coaching and boundaries. Having awareness of your thoughts (ones that spontaneously arise or ones that are created from specific circumstances) can you give you a moment to pause and choose if that’s a thought that serves you. You can’t change a circumstance that has already happened, but how you think about it is a choice. Learning this was powerful for me.

I also really like the visual of a waterfall over a cliff; the waterfall (of thoughts) is just dumping out and if you are in their way underneath, you can start to feel like you are drowning under the deluge… but if you step back under the cliff, you can see the water and watch it go by. Stepping back gives perspective and awareness; it also gives space for the pause and power of choice.

Time: “If you struggle to manage your time, ask yourself, “What am I doing currently, versus what would I like to do instead?” Create new boundaries (habits and rules), and work toward becoming the person you’d like to be.”

Self-Care: “Self-care is how you nurture and restore your mind, body and spirit.” What does that mean? Put your self on your schedule; write it down and honor that commitment just like you would for a friend. Sometimes this means saying no, delegating tasks and letting go of perfection. 

Consider some of these:

“I say no to things I don’t like.

I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth.

I say no to things that rob me of valuable time.

I spend time around healthy people.

I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy.

I practice positive self-talk.

I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings.

I forgive myself when I make a mistake.

I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. 

I create space for activities that bring me joy.

I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them.”

Saying no: “Another way to uphold your boundaries is to say no more often. Recognize that saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. Set a limit by saying no when you can’t honor a request, don’t want to honor it, or doing so will infringe on the time you have for what you enjoy.”

Feeling overwhelmed or bubbling with resentment? Take a look at your boundaries or lack thereof—you may realize you have more agency to impact your life than you think.

On friendship: “Do you want empathy or a strategy right now?A fundamental boundary is learning to listen without offering advice, or asking, “Do you want me to listen or offer some feedback?””

I hope this reached someone who needs it– Feel free to forward to anyone it might help!