Last week, I talked about the internal voice of “not enough” and whatever version that might be for you.
This week, I wanted to address another common inner critic. The one that tells you “You’re being selfish.” And the shame that comes with it.
And I’m going with the word shame here because ‘mom guilt’ is thrown around a lot, but it’s often deeper than that. I like Brené Brown’s definition of guilt vs shame here. Guilt is often “I did something bad” and shame: “I am bad.” Shame is never helpful or productive and systems have often used shame as a weapon of suppression.
As moms, being or feeling selfish is often equated with “I’m a bad mom.” That’s not I did a bad thing (guilt); it’s a condemnation of our selves, as if we are fundamentally flawed human beings… Hence the internal revolt a lot of us feel when we want to do something potentially perceived as selfish.
I’m here to argue, Self Care lands on a spectrum. There are moments we swing back and forth between selfless and selfish–sometimes with more intention than others.
But spending too much time at either extreme can lead to unfortunate consequences…
I’m here to work on the intentional piece in the middle.
For many of us in any caregiver role, and trust me, I’ve felt this as much in motherhood as I have in being a doctor: society has normalized and idolized selflessness almost to a point of self-abandonment. [Think about it: the message we receive is: patients first. Family first. Essentially, abandon your needs/ wants for others. Perhaps fine and appropriate in certain moments, but I believe it’s detrimental over the long haul.]
I think this narrative needs to change for caregivers, parents and doctors alike.
This is where the concept of being a selfist is beautiful, making sure you are well-cared for too.
Here’s a little excerpt from Never Enough by Jennifer Breheny Wallace:
“Be a selfist. The psychologist Carin Rubenstein writes about how quickly she fell into the modern trap of denying herself for the sake of her children. To remedy this, she developed the idea of being a selfist, (not to be confused with selfish) whose needs are just as important as her family’s. A selfist ensures that she is well taken care of too. Strive to be a good enough, not perfect parent, teacher, or coach. Kids don’t need perfect role models. In fact, perfection doesn’t serve them, and it doesn’t serve the adults in their lives. Our kids need someone who is just good enough, someone who loves them and teaches them what it means to be an imperfect, lovable human. To teach kids how to love themselves unconditionally, they need adults in their lives modeling self-acceptance flaws and all.”
So cheers to being a Selfist.
