We’ve all heard the phrase ‘No Pain, No Gain,‘ but how does this apply to limits and boundaries?
I just finished Widen the Window by Elizabeth Stanley PhD and thought Chapter 15 was particularly helpful for this framework.
If you’ve never heard the term phrase window of tolerance, check out this post from last year.
Bottom line, the term window of tolerance was developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, MD to describe the optimal zone of “arousal.” When a person is operating within this zone or window, they can most effectively function, have adaptive responses to stress, and a capacity for emotional regulation to balance this stress.
Dr Stanley elaborates in Chapter 15 on boundaries and limits: both internal and external. I found her definition useful: “External limits include the space-time continuum, gravity, the speed of light, and other environmental phenomena… Internal limits relate to the brain and body’s “biological constraints, physical, cognitive, energetic, emotional, and psychological dimensions… how much weight we can carry… How much stress arousal in ourselves, or reactivity in others, we can tolerate before becoming overwhelmed, withdrawing, or acting out. Indeed, the current width of our window is one of our most important limits.”
“In contrast, boundaries are relational;” they can be physical, “cognitive, energetic, emotional, and psychological. With healthy boundaries, we can separate our thoughts, emotions, and nervous system activation from those of other people.”
We learn about limits and boundaries (or a lack of) early in life, which often contributes to patterns later in life. Related to the last few weeks of emails: saying no can really be about asking someone to respect a boundary; people pleasing is often crossing your own boundaries to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Making a plan (and honoring it for you) is holding a boundary and setting limits for yourself.
I’ve found it’s often about realizing my limits and when it’s appropriate to push a little to grow (with pain can come gain!), but perhaps more importantly recognizing the need to back down, pull off the gas pedal, rest and regroup. And that often doesn’t come from the outside; that’s an inside job only accomplished by listening to and acknowledging what you need. By looking at limits and boundaries in this way, especially with some compassion and curiosity, I think it gives us a framework to recognize that demands will come in (internal and external), but with a bit of a pause, we can choose our next actions AND honor our boundaries and limits.
We can also choose to push our physical, emotional, and mental limits, but in order to gain from the ‘pain’– there has to be a recovery period. Just like weight lifting, you have to give the muscles a rest. So, if you are planning a push, be aware of the need for recovery and build it in. Plan it. Let it be the blank space I talked about last week. We can’t expect a constant pushing of our limits to results in growth. It will eventually result in destruction.
If you are struggling with any of this, you aren’t alone. Perhaps you need to take the time to reassess your limits and boundaries? Are they working for you or against you? Are you getting the gain you hoped for?
Remember what we learned in childhood about limits and boundaries often was a setup for certain beliefs. It’s fair to pause and question: is that true? Do I really believe that?
Better yet if you can do it from a non-judgmental, curious, compassionate place.
And if you can’t, you know who can? A Coach.
I’m here to ask you the tough questions, with love. And compassion. And curiousity.
I’m here to push you to grow for sure… but I’m also here to remind you that growth often requires a recovery period.
