Creating new identities can be difficult; it requires us to question our current beliefs (and identities), which are often deeply ingrained and/or hidden. We’ve accepted them as the Truth with a capital T. OR we’ve simply never questioned them (or were actively taught to not question them). For beliefs that serve us well, that can be ok, but for the ones that don’t– maybe it’s worth the discomfort that comes with the questioning and finding a better fit.
| Joan Rosenberg, PhD wrote a book: 90 Seconds to a Life You Love. How to Master Your Difficult Feelings to Cultivate Lasting Confidence, Resilience, and Authenticity. There’s a great TedX talk on Youtube here for a quick summary. I’ve mentioned it before because it’s worth it. I recently read her book, too. |
She lists eight unpleasant or uncomfortable emotions: sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration and vulnerability and talks about a simple strategy that enables people to lean into unpleasant emotions– dubbed the Rosenberg Reset: one choice, eight feelings, 90 seconds.
Here’s my recap: Make one choice to stay aware of your moment to moment experience. Make the decision to allow yourself to fully feel your feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.
Choose awareness, not avoidance.
Experience and move through one or more 90 second waves of one or more of the 8 unpleasant feelings.
Then you can pursue whatever you want in life.
Sounds too simple, right?
But let’s think about the last time you chose not to do something that you really wanted to do? What was at the heart of that decision?
My guess: one of the 8 feelings listed above.
I relate this back to last week when it comes to identity shifts.
As you start to question thoughts and beliefs, uncomfortable emotions start to arise. On the surface, it seems easier to avoid the uncomfortable feelings.
Like anyone who has ever questioned religious beliefs or structural systems, you can start to feel pretty damn isolated and uncomfortable… so uncomfortable that your primitive brain, which is trying to keep you safe at a very primal level, will often have you abandon your own truth or identity to conform. But (good news!) we’re not living in a cave anymore. If you can learn to tolerate the discomfort, it is totally worth it, because at the end you are closer to your truth and you can be your confident, authentic self.
But if you hide, constantly avoiding sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration and vulnerability– you never grow to your fullest potential. You often latch on to an identity that has been given to you rather than created by you.
Check in with yourself from a compassionate and mindful space, minus any judgements.
Learn to surf the 90 second wave of uncomfortable feelings.
Once you can tolerate these without needing to avoid them (think of all the time and calories saved from the over-eating, over-drinking, over social-media scrolling, etc)… you have so much more time and energy to live your authentic life.
My kids and I often play a mind game: “What’s the worst case scenario?” [This is a questionable benefit of being the kid of an ER doc.] It started with me teaching them about physical safety, but once that piece is addressed, often the “worst” that can happen is a feeling: sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration or vulnerability. The best part: by knowing it will only last 90 seconds if you allow it, confidence is built– confidence that you know you can tolerate even the ‘worst case scenario.’
And then with confidence, a world of possibilities opens up.
Imagine your world if embarrassment or shame didn’t hold you back? Perhaps it’s helplessness or anger?
Which of the 8 is your kryptonite?
P.S. Coaching can help you at every level here. From making the choice to stay aware, recognizing your thoughts, uncovering deeper beliefs, feeling the feels, or choosing and living into an empowering identity. I’m here for all of that.
With confidence that you can handle any of the uncomfortable emotions, you can take the stage (any stage), it’s yours.
