Is it true?

Last week recap: We talked about how questioning your past beliefs can be incredibly useful. From there, you get to decide: What’s the story you want to tell about your past?

But what if you are feeling particularly attached to a belief… even if you can see it isn’t helping, or maybe it is actually harming you?

How can you just “drop it”?

Byron Katie’s The Work continues to help me, especially when my heels are dug in to thoughts/beliefs that I hold as truths… but I can see they aren’t helpful and I’m still having a hard time letting go. Her website (thework.com) offered a great summary/ worksheet: “The Work One-Two-Three”

Quick recap of her main four questions:

1. Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to question 3)

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)

3. How do you react (what happens) when you believe that thought? [From the coaching side: plug in the thought to our thought model. What do you feel? What actions/ inactions are result of feeling that way. What’s the result in your life?]

4. Who or what would you be without the thought? [This is essentially what an intentional model is. If you don’t like the result you are getting. Let’s loop back and see what thought is generating this.]

She next offers: Turn the thought around and as you do, contemplate how each “turnaround” is as true or truer. 

Sometimes this seems fairly abstract. This is an example from work. I was in the habit of “checking the board” before I went in to my ER shifts. I would log on to the computer to get a sense of what was happening in the department/ number of patients/ admits/ holds/ waiting room/etc… 

“It helped.” I would tell myself. In fact, I told myself it made me less anxious knowing what I was going into. I could mentally prepare better…. my husband (also ER) used to think I was nuts. He knew that it could change on a dime… and even if it looked good now, it may not in the 20-45 mins when I got there… so what difference did it make? And I think he also saw what I couldn’t. Often, it’s so much easier to see in someone else.

 I’m fairly stubborn and had truly convinced myself that this was a helpful “ritual”… until I started checking sooner and sooner before my shift. And when it came to me doing admin… I would ‘check on the department’ a lot. I had my computer open a lot.

Fast forward to a coaching call I had during my certification. I brought this one up innocently enough. I had started to recognize that maybe it wasn’t that helpful. I had started becoming more anxious and annoyed every time I did it. I wanted to stop but had really convinced my brain that this was somehow useful… like setting up an airway before EMS arrives with a crashing patient. I just wanted to be prepared.

It felt that useful… until it wasn’t. 

So the four questions when applied to this seemingly harmless belief about checking the electronic board before shifts being helpful:

1. Is it true? (Listen, I said I was stubborn. I gave it a maybe.)

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? No. Of course, I can’t absolutely know that it’s true. (Insert a little toddler foot stomping or annoyance!) In fact, it’s not helpful to my husband; so it’s not true for him. I have actually started to feel dread when I do it… so maybe it’s not true for me…. damn: I guess it’s not absolutely true. 

3. How do I react when I believe that thought? I squirm. I argue it must be true. That’s why I do it of course! Why else would I torture myself if it wasn’t helpful people?! This seems a little ridiculous now, but I’m telling you I was convinced this was helpful so I was really holding on.

4. Who would I be without the thought? Oh: I’d be freer. I’d wake up or work out…then shower and go to work. I’d stop planning extra time to check in on the board. I’d realize I can’t control anything that’s there now or before I get there. I’d be less anxious. Hmmm…

Last one: Turn the thought around. 

Original thought: Checking the board before shift helps me. 

Turnaround possibilities:

I help me by checking the board before shift. (makes less sense to me)

I hurt the board by checking it before shift. (again, less sense).

Checking the board before shift harms me. (ugh, maybe)

I help myself by not checking the board. (well…probably)

It’s not actually helpful for me to check the board before shift. 

Hopefully the example helps illustrate the point. All of the sudden, it’s a little clearer to see that of any of these thoughts, the last few actually make the most sense. When I realized this, it was legitimately the last day I checked the board… a little over a year ago! If there’s something you are doing or a belief that you’re holding on to, convinced it’s true: this exercise and coaching can really help dig you out.