I’d like to introduce you to something I just made up.
It’s called the Incoming Request Audit: the IRA (not to be confused with the IRS).
I’d like you to envision a 2×2 grid…
On the Y axis, you have: What I Want to Say: Yes or No.
On the X axis, you have: What I Actually Say: Yes or No.
Never mind, I’ll make the grid so you don’t have to conjure this up in your head. ????
There are four quadrants:
YES/ YES
NO/YES
NO/NO
YES/ NO.
So here’s what the sequences could look like:
Incoming Request ➡️ I Want to Say Yes: I say Yes: this is an authentic YES. YAY! ➡️ Excited
Incoming Request ➡️ I Want to Say No: I say Yes: this is an inauthentic YES. Bummer ➡️ Defeated
Incoming Request ➡️ I Want to Say No: I say No: this is an authentic NO. Whew! ➡️ Relieved
Incoming Request ➡️ I Want to Say Yes: I say No: this is an inauthentic NO. Shit ➡️ Disappointed
You may wonder where these responses come from. No matter which grid you find yourself in, there’s usually an initial feeling that’s driving what you actually say.
The Authentic Yes is usually coming from a place of feeling confident, accepted, inspired, excited and/or powerful.
This is what I like to view as my: I know what I want. I know what I need. This aligns. Hell yes, I’m all in.
The Inauthentic Yes, on the other hand, is usually coming from a place of feeling anxious, afraid, guilty, embarrassed, and/or ashamed.
This is often coming from: I know they want me to/ need me to, but I don’t really want to but I say yes because I’m worried what they will think of me.
The Authentic No: <<This is what we’re working here lately!>> This can come from a great place of feeling empowered, liberated, focused, confident, and/or self-acceptance. This is where I love the thought: It’s just not for me (right now) or I’m just not available for this (right now). Maybe it’s a Hell no— like never in a million years… but in the decisions we’re often struggling over, there’s a more subtle take on it. It just doesn’t make sense given everything else I’m juggling ➡️ Aka: In order to care for myself well, it is a No.
Last but not least: the Inauthentic NO. This is I want to say yes but I say no.It’s usually based on feeling self-doubt, scared, critical, insecure, guilty, and/or incompetent. I often find this one rooted somewhere in the I want to, but I worry I’m not_______ enough. Fill in the blank: smart, worthy, good, experienced, etc…
**There’s a big exception here but I’ll save it for next week.**
But recognize that all these responses are rooted in the original feelings,which come from a thought…
What happens when that thought changes?
What happens when you are able to purposefully shift:
‘I worry what they’ll think about me…’ ➡️ ‘I’m going to make the best decision with the information I have now; I know what I need to take care of myself.’
‘I worry that I’m not good enough.’ ➡️ ‘I’m willing to try this out and give it my all.’
How do thoughts like these shift the way you feel?
Let’s stop getting trapped by default thoughts.
Hoping the IRA can be more interesting than the IRS 😉
Let’s start celebrating our ‘Hell YES, I’m all in’ moments and our ‘NO, I’m not available for that’ times.
Heidi
P.S. What if you could always trust yourself to know the right answer (knowing what you know, for you, right now) and to say NO when you know??
P.P.S. Stay tuned next week for the exception to the I want to say yes, but I say no corner.
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