Escaping the Trap of Self-Denial 

The Sacrificial Mother: Escaping the Trap of Self-Denial 
by Carin Rubenstein PhD

Ok I’m going to dive in a little more this week. There are a lot of heteronormative stereotypes in this book; it dates itself and certainly does not represent all couples—but I think there is merit in the discussion about the sacrificial mother, though this role can easily be filled by any gender, in same-sex marriages, as well as single parents of either gender. In fact, I think this label can apply to any care-giving role… use it when it helps but please ditch it when it does not. 

Early in the book, she starts with: “During my hectic, though typical week, I altered my needs and my work schedule to fit the shape of my family’s agenda. It went without saying, without thinking, that my priorities came last, after I’d sorted out and satisfied everybody else’s. I’m not bragging or whining here, I’m just stating the facts of sacrificial maternal life. Well, So what? Big deal. This is what mothers are supposed to do, and we have to do it for only 10 or 20 years. Why not just give in to the necessity of sacrifice?

Because it is harmful to our health and our sanity. 

Because many of us reach a point at which we have nothing left to give….

Because we can simmer for years with an internal stew of anxiety and irritation and anger and despair. A reaction to all that we are not doing or being for the sake of our children.”

“Women can balance their need to deny themselves for their children with a desire to focus on themselves and their own dreams. This includes learning how to be what I call “selfist,” paying attention to yourself– not to be confused with selfish– which is focusing on yourself at the expense of others…. Being selfist means that a woman takes care of herself the way she cares for her family, showing as much concern for herself as for them. And it means doing all of this out in the open, so that everyone else sees it and understands that she values herself as much as she does them.”

Of course, there are hormonal contributions that ensure the survival of our offspring as well. Great, we’ve got Darwin, genes, hormones….but the latest and greatest contributor: social propaganda. “It’s a form of cultural coercion that rewards mothers who conform to the sacrifice norm, one that never addresses a similar lesson to fathers. Every day, in many ways, mothers receive hints that sacrifice is good, self-focus is bad.” 

“The difference is partly biological, partly psychological, and partly social, the result of a complex conspiracy of nature and nurture.” This is what inspired me to make the graphic from last week.

“All of my research points to the conclusion that women who learn how to indulge themselves occasionally, who make a point of taking time for themselves…they’re happier in just about every way possible.”