I recently mentioned the “madwoman in the attic” a reference from the book Burnout taken from a metaphor from Jane Eyre.
See the Grow Mighty section for the quick recap
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Bottom line: most of us have a little voice inside that talks… a lot.
And sometimes, she’s not very nice.
As an extra bonus, the Holidays often bring out a pretty stressed version of our inner voice.
To top it off, many of us think that voice is “just who we are.”
- “The Madwomen in the Attic”: the metaphor from Jane Eyre is used to discuss our inner voice that’s insulting you on the daily.
- “This uncomfortable, fragile part of ourselves serves a very important function. She grew inside us, to manage the chasm between who we are and who Human Giver Syndrome expects us to be… When the unbridgeable chasm between us and expected-us looms, our madwoman assesses the situation and decides what the problem is. She has only two options: Is the world a lying asshole, with bogus expectations? Or is there something wrong with us?”
- Get to know your madwoman.
- Tune in to the difficult, fragile part of yourself that tries to bridge you and expected -you.
- What does she say?
- Notice where she’s harshly critical of you, shaming or perfectionistic.
- Get to know her.
What’s interesting though… we are not our thoughts.
A helpful reminder from a mindfulness lesson: ‘thoughts simply arise.’
I’d dare say most of us have had thoughts that even surprise us. And this reminds me of a saying my grandmother used to tell my dad: “it’s bad enough to think such things, let alone say them.” Let’s just say he doesn’t exactly have the world’s greatest filter and while I agree with her that he really shouldn’t say many things, it’s actually quite hard to get our brains to stop thinking things.
The truth is our brains think of really wild shit all the time. But the wilder thing is that we start to believe many of the thoughts— especially when they are about us.
And let’s be honest, the holidays tend to bring up a LOT of extra thoughts… especially about our selves, our families, our lives… There’s often a whole lot of judgment happening between our ears, which only compounds the holiday stress.
‘I’m not very good at XYZ.’
‘I’ve never been that kind of person.’
‘I’m not good enough for that_____.’
‘I’m too heavy, too skinny, too much, too little… I’m not strong or brave enough….’
All the lies our brains tell us….it’s not often out of malice. Sometimes, these words were repeated to us when we were little enough to believe them. Many times, the brain is just trying to keep us safe… keeping us small in a big scary world.
But I want to invite you to ignore the lies your brain offers up. You can be big and bold in a scary world, too.
Remember: “thoughts arise.”
Legitimately, now I often smirk to myself: ‘well, that’s a funny thought.’ (This applies to my own brain and others’.)
Before, I used to get really critical, dare I say beat myself up a bit (for things I thought and said).
Over the next several weeks, notice what your brain offers up.
Notice how you are talking to yourself and about yourself.
Notice how holidays can bring out certain self-narratives based on old (often self-limiting) beliefs.
Just let yourself be aware of the inner voice. She likely grew ‘strong’ trying to protect you. As we grow older (and mightier), it’s ok to tell her you’ve got it now.
Because you do.
You’ve got it.
LFG.
P.S. The new year is just around the corner. NOW is a perfect time to start developing the kind of relationship with yourself that you want. Start acknowledging your best parts, celebrating your wins, and recognizing that you are, in fact, 100% lovable.
| P.P.S. I’ve talked a lot about Burnout over the past few weeks. Throw in the holidays and the inner madwoman in the attic, I know many are ready for a little relief. Based on many of the book’s suggestions and some of my personal favorites, I made a little Holiday stress release guide. Let me know what’s most helpful to you. |
Find your favorite and keep it in your back pocket for when your weird uncle/ mom/ dad/ grandparent/kid decides to say something particularly offensive at the holiday table.
And remember my grandma: ‘They shouldn’t have thought it let alone said it.’
Cheers,
Heidi
For anyone who missed a part of the Burnout recap or would like to go back, here are the links!
Intro: click here for my intro/overview.
Part I: What You Take with You. The tools that can help right now.
Part III: Connection, Growing Strong and Mighty
