Maybe you are clear on what Burnout is… and how it feels. So now what can you DO about it?
(If you missed last week, check out my intro to the Nagoski sisters’ book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle: click here.)
My takeaways:
From a coaching perspective, I love this quote: “Just because you’ve dealt with a stressor doesn’t mean you’ve dealt with the stress.”
Because oftentimes we change our “circumstance” but somehow we don’t always feel better. This is where burnout can really be viscous. We can get caught up not only in our circumstances but in our thoughts and feelings which often include exhaustion, overwhelm, and depletion.
I like really like these chapters so I wanted to give you the highlights to START FEELING BETTER!
“If you’re moving toward a specific, desired goal, your attention and efforts are focused on that single outcome. But if you’re moving away from a threat, it hardly matters where you end up, as long as it’s somewhere safe from the threat… we thrive when we have a positive goal to move toward, not just a negative state we’re trying to move away from.”
“With regards to burnout, the goal isn’t just feeling less overwhelmed and exhausted, or no longer worrying whether you’re doing ‘enough’… the goal is growing mighty, feeling strong enough to cope with all the stressors the world throws at you.”
~ Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
Part I: What You Take with You. The tools that can help right now.
Complete the Cycle:
Stress vs Stressors:
“Stressors are what activate the stress response in your body.” External and internal: often interpreted by your body as a potential threat.
Stress: “neurological and physiological shift that happens in your body when you encounter one of these threats.” The stress response is the “cascade of neurological and hormonal activity that initiates physiological changes to help you survive… Your entire body and mind change in response to the perceived threat.”
“Our stress response is beautifully fitted to the environment where it evolved.”
Think running from a lion who is about to attack… but now the stress response happens to any perceived threat.
“This is the upside-down world we live in: in most situations in the modern, post-industrial West, the stress itself will kill you faster than the stressor will — unless you do something to complete the stress response cycle…”
WHY WE GET STUCK: 3 most common reasons
- Chronic stressor–>Chronic Stress. “We get stuck in the stress response, because we’re stuck in an stress-activating situation. That’s not always bad—it’s only bad when the stress outpaces our capacity to process it.
- Social Appropriateness. Society has simply handed off its beliefs about what our responses should look like… so we suppress or bottle what our bodies would like to do.
- It’s Safer. Sometimes walking away, being quiet, etc. are the safer choices, but these choices deal with the stressors but not the stress.
Ways to complete the stress cycle: given our evolution, exercise is one of the best ways. There was a stress: fight or flight. Either way, if you survived, there was likely physical effort involved in ‘completing the cycle.’ “Physical activity is what tells your brain you have successfully survived the threat and now your body is a safe place to live. Physical activity is the single most efficient strategy for completing the stress response cycle.”
Other ways:
- Breathing: slow breaths, elongating the exhale. Breathe in for a slow count of 5 seconds, hold for 5, exhale for 10, hold for 5.
- Positive Social Interaction: signifies the world is a safe place.
- Laughing together: deep, impolite, helpless laughter. We have evolved to make and maintain social bonds and regulate emotions.
- Affection: deeper connection with a loving presence. “Six second kiss” or a hug for twenty seconds or spending time with a pet.
- A Big Ol’ Cry: the relief from a big cry may not be dealing with the stressor but often can deal with the internal stress, and complete the cycle.
- Creative Expression: literary, visual, performing arts all give us the chance to celebrate and move through big emotions.
What doesn’t work? “Just telling yourself you’re ok. Completing the cycle isn’t an intellectual decision; it’s a physiological shift.”
Managing the Stressors: how to persist and knowing when to quit.
They talk about “the Monitor” and describe it as “the brain mechanism that manages the gap between where we are and where we are going… ‘discrepancy-reducing/-increasing feedback loop.’”
The Monitor knows:
- What your goal is
- How much effort you’re investing in that goal
- How much progress you’re making
They make a point of dealing with the stressors you can control with “planful problem solving” and the stressors you can’t control with positive reappraisal (recognizing the effort, discomfort, frustration, unanticipated obstacles, and failure have value: not only because they are steps toward your worthwhile goal, but also possible opportunities for growth and learning.)
Also, change the expectations: redefining winning and redefining failing.
Incremental goals that are soon, certain, positive, concrete, specific, and personal will all help keep your Monitor satisfied.
What doesn’t help? “Self-defeating confrontation, suppressing your stress, and avoidance.”
When to quit: the “Monitor has a pivot point, where it switches its assessment of your goal from “attainable” to “unattainable.”
When to walk away: “Should I explore new terrain or should I exploit the terrain I’m in?” Think of animals searching for food. It’s an instinctual costs/ benefits analysis of both short and long-term benefits.
It’s an inner knowing: “you’ve done all you can here. It’s time to move on.”
They also have a worksheet, but I recommend simply starting to listen to your inner voice. [P.S. This is one of my favorite coaching topics, not because I was naturally gifted here but because I struggled with it for such a long time. So if you are needing help in this arena, get in touch.]
They also talk about how women often ignore this voice, giving into societal pressures/ values of grit, persistence, and self-control. And also about our tendency to cling to the broken thing we have rather than let it go and reach for something new—often related to the stress underlying change.
Chapter 3 Meaning: “’Meaning,’ in short, is the nourishing experience of feeling like we’re connected to something larger than ourselves. It helps us thrive when things are going well, and it helps us cope when things go wrong in our lives.”
Meaning is Made.
Three likely sources:
- Pursuit and achievement of ambitious goals that leave a legacy
- Service to the divine or other spiritual calling
- Loving, emotionally intimate connection with others
They talk about needing to heal ‘Human Giver Syndrome,’ which they summarize as believing you have a moral obligation to others to be pretty, happy, calm, generous, and attentive to the needs of others and that failure to do so makes you a failure as a person. As such a failure, you deserve punishment/ beating yourself up. Recognizing that your meaning does not come from being a human giver. “Human Giver Syndrome will try to stop you from pursuing meaning. Your job is to not stop. Keep engaging with your Something Larger…”
I know this is a pretty packed summary of the first third of their book. Join my mailing list for the upcoming full recap: click here.
Most importantly: take the parts that resonate. Try some new things. Listen to that inner voice.
Reach out for coaching if you need some guidance!
Heidi
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