Last week, I walked you through my recap of a section from Take Back Your Brain by Kara Loewentheil: “Why We Seek External Validation.”
This week I wanted to touch on a solution but also some of the barriers. Let’s be honest, if the solution was easy and natural, we’d all be doing that.
But just because it’s not easy or doesn’t come naturally to us, it doesn’t mean we can’t learn the skill.
How many of us are convinced that part or most of our success is due to our internal critic? Truly, many of us think that we are only successful because of how disciplined we are and how hard we work and we need that inner “mean girl.”
Otherwise, we’d be like sloths in the rain forrest, gluttonous, sleepy and seemingly happy– lounging in a world that seems to be longing for some thing else…
Oh shit… there comes the snarky mean girl again.
Our brains have convinced us that our inner mean girl is needed. But where the hell did our inner ‘kind girl’ go? [I’m using the word kind here because nice has the connotation of being polite or agreeable and kind typically is associated with more compassion, empathy and genuine concern.]
Notice how the brain instantly repulses the idea that we could use love and kindness to propel ourselves to the ‘top’.
The fear starts to dial itself up: what if I’m perceived as selfish, narcissistic, shallow, or lazy?
“This fear stems fundamentally from the belief women often have that if they are nice to themselves or love themselves unconditionally, they will become raging narcissists who use and abuse everyone around them. No surprise since women are socialized to take care of everyone around them. So even giving ourselves close to equal weight in our own time or attention feels like we are being incredibly selfish—and caring more about our own happiness, opinions, or desires than another person’s (or even valuing them equally) seems sociopathic to us. Men, you may notice, are not taught that being a good person means subordinating their needs or desires to everyone else’s.”
“…So how can we know if we truly “should” be allowed to think or feel positively about ourselves? The answer, of course, is that you can’t know. There’s no certified letter from the universe telling you that you’re good enough to be allowed to have self-confidence. You have to decide that you’d rather love yourself than hate yourself even with your human flaws included.”
Take Back Your Brain by Kara Loewentheil
There was a lesson during my coach training I really needed.
Love is an emotion you can choose for yourself.
You can choose to love yourself for all your hard work and for all your success. You can also love yourself despite all your mistakes and failures. In fact, you can choose to love your failures and mistakes and lessons learned AND the person you’ve become because of them.
When I struggle with this for myself, it’s much easier to “see” with my kids. I love them whether they get first or last place in a competition. I’ll love them if or when they don’t get into their first choice school or job. I love them even when they do or say shitty things. I love them because they are uniquely them and human… and totally lovable– flaws and all.
In talking about loving-kindness, I also love Kara’s line:
“Add the following words to any self-critical thought you have about how you think, feel, look, act, etc. You can say them out loud to yourself or just say them in your mind: How human of me.”
Say something ridiculous or yell at your kids: how human of me.
What if I did or said something I’m not proud of to my spouse or at my job? How human of me.
It doesn’t mean we don’t need to make repairs or amends or own our mistakes. It just allows for some self-compassion in the humanness of it all.
P.S. Just a side note, unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditionally approving of behavior.
It’s from love, we can remind ourselves to be kinder and more compassionate to ourselves and others. It’s also from love, we can apply boundaries and create more loving relationships OR step away from ones that no longer work for us.
This week, I invite you to notice if your inner mean girl is running the show. Or when she seems to pop up… Feel free to thank her (I know ???? – hang with me): on some level… I think we all developed this inner voice to keep us ‘safe’ (largely from external criticism, especially from ones we loved)—if the inner mean girl beat them to the punch, it was always easier to stomach. But perhaps we’re in a different space (physically, mentally, or emotionally) and now we no longer “need” her.
At minimum, give equal airtime to your inner “kind girl.” She deserves to be heard, too. Perhaps she has some important things to say?
Perhaps she’s most in tune with what you really need right now?
Cheers to that girl ????,
Heidi
PPS. I still have spots in my Time Freedom Course. Want to find out more? Click here!
