I listened to a podcast a long time ago with Brené Brown and Simon Sinek on Developing an Infinite Mindset , and it may have been in a subsequent podcast but one of the parts that struck me the most when they were talking about winning vs losing was the idea about ‘what’s the opposite of winning and losing?’. He mentioned most people say not playing but some will say, just for fun! I remember asking my daughter, who was five at the time, this question. It was such a quick genuine: ‘oh, playing for fun!’
[P.S. This kid is definitely a mini-me and is about as stubborn and competitive as her momma– but it was such a refreshing reminder!]
| Warning, I’m going to take a small detour here. Just stay with me. |
I was working with a coach in the midst of contemplating leaving an administrative job in the hospital; heck at one point I was contemplating leaving medicine all together. He asked ‘why are you allowing yourself to always get the short end of the stick?’ [As an aside, I tried to look up the origin of that saying, and it’s so strange… anyway, back to the story.] This question was a tough one for me. Some of this was pure habit. I am a middle child… and while I’ll fight for what I think is right, my people pleasing tendencies can get in the way… especially if what I’m fighting for is me.
Plus, I will always be a team player and it was often just easier to ‘get shorted’ than to rock the boat. I really hated to disappoint people. I may not be the ____fill in the blank (smartest, fastest, most talented…)___, but I’d outwork anyone if given the chance to help ‘the team.’ So, then add in medical training, “patients first” mentality, 30 hour shifts in residency were the norm and better than ‘back in the day’… and the toxic positivity message of should-ing us to be grateful for how good we have it. Layer in working in the emergency department, where expectations of “just deal with it” are sometimes taken to the next level. Bottom line, I had gotten to a point of accepting the short end of the stick without even questioning it. AND I was tired and overwhelmed, constantly giving at my own expense, and it turns out, there was very little reciprocity in that relationship. I was getting the short end and it wasn’t going to change until I did. So, I did.
Is there a place in your home or work life where you are constantly getting the short end of the stick? What needs to change?
Welcome back from the detour:
“The finite game is defined as known players, fixed rules, and an agreed-upon objective: football, baseball. There’s always a beginning, middle, and end, and if there’s a winner, then there has to be a loser. Then there are infinite games. Infinite games are defined as known and unknown players, which means new players can join whenever they want. The rules are changeable, which means you can play however you want, and the objective is to perpetuate the game, to stay in the game as long as possible. It turns out we’re players in infinite games every day of our lives.”
Simon Sinek on Brené Brown’s podcast
Slowly, I started changing the game. I left that role and started learning some of my most important life lessons (this far!) in my mid-thirties: boundaries, self-compassion, looking for, listening to, and re-evaluating my why.
Remember, this isn’t a finite game we are playing.
It may be a finite life but there are infinite possibilities.
And I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity.
Fast forward to last week: I was talking about a ‘win-win’ and my daughter was nearby listening and asked what I meant by this (remember the competitive spirit). I started to describe scenarios where everyone wins. She was quietly contemplating this one…
All this to say, if you are really struggling with something, I invite you to change up the conversation and ask:
Are there any win-wins here?
What if no one wins or loses?
What new players or new rules could I try?
What if it can be “fun?”
What would it look like if I don’t get the short end of the stick here?
Go big and bold in the ask: What would it look like if I never got the short end of the stick?
I think one of the biggest problems when moms (or any care givers) continuously sacrifice themselves (both at home and work) is it’s often coming from a place of I’ll take one for the team and the team will be better off… But what I have found personally and with coaching clients: everyone loses. Mom is stressed, overwhelmed, lonely and/or resentful and then the screaming match(internal or external) ensues…
No one wins here people.
But if moms are rested, nurtured, and taking time for the things they love:
Everyone wins.
Game Changer.
Women bring so much to every table: whether it’s the board room or the operating room… but we can’t be poorly resourced and expected to do it all.
Stop and imagine the power of well-resourced women.
P.S. My why with coaching is getting so much more clear. I truly love helping working moms quit getting the short end of the stick. I love helping them ditch mom-guilt and build lives where they are happy, valued, and fulfilled. It’s giving them back their power.
And the best part– it often involves win-wins for everyone.
