Break Free from Silence and Shame
The past few weeks, I’ve been startled awake by my kids at ungodly hours thanks to daylight savings time, spring break, and schedule swaps. Let’s be honest, the world seems a little extra off-tilt these days, and not just because of the time change.
Yet, I’ve found myself yearning for renewal—something spring naturally inspires. This season always reminds me to stretch, grow, and maybe try something that scares me a little.
The Pressure Cooker of Silence
But there was this persistent problem holding me back. For years, I had bitten my tongue in situations where I wanted to speak up. I had silently seethed in meetings, unable to nod along with things I disagreed with but somehow incompetent to voice my truth. I found myself swallowing words that needed to be said. And so I bottled them and the frustration built up inside me like a pressure cooker.
I tried all the usual fixes—I journaled my thoughts, told myself it wasn’t worth the conflict, convincing myself no one would listen anyway… But these solutions never addressed the real issue: I was betraying myself every time I chose silence.
The Breakthrough Moment
Then came the breakthrough. I realized this pattern went all the way back to my childhood, where there was often a culture of secrecy and tongue biting. It was definitely a ‘shackles on’ feeling… and still is, BIG TIME.
For me, this silence was often rooted in shame. I should be different. I should be quiet. I shouldn’t share… a lot of shoulds.
[I’ve mentioned this a few times before, but Martha Beck has a great shackles-on shackles-off exercise I wrote about a while ago. Check it out here]
So this past month in order to stretch and grow, I decided to do something radical. I went to my first school board meeting and actually spoke up, advocating for health and sex education in our public schools. I also attended a retreat where I worked with horses and got in touch with myself a bit more. For some time now, and perhaps most importantly, I started paying attention to how my body feels when I bite my tongue—that tightness in my chest, clenched jaw, and the knot in my stomach.
The result? A profound sense of alignment with my true self. Speaking up felt like removing shackles I’d been wearing for decades. There was fear, yes, but also exhilaration and relief.
The Shame-Silence Connection for Working Moms
Shame thrives in secrecy, but dies in the light of empathy and brave sharing.
As Brené Brown says, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment.”
The antidote? Empathy and connection. “If we reach out and share our shame experience with someone who responds with empathy, shame dissipates. Shame needs you to believe that you’re alone.”
The Four Elements of Shame Resilience
I loved how she described “The Four Elements of Shame Resilience” and is one of the reasons I think group coaching works so well.
These are the four steps she describes:
- Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers
- Practicing critical awareness
- Reaching out
- Speaking shame. Are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you need when you feel shame? Silence, secrecy, judgment fuel shame.
Reclaiming Your Time and Voice as a Working Mom
This applies perfectly to reclaiming your time and energy as a working mom.
So many of us stay silent about our needs because we’re ashamed to admit we’re struggling. We don’t ask for help because we think we should be able to handle everything. We don’t carve out time for ourselves because somewhere deep down, we believe we don’t deserve it. (Or only deserve it “when xyz is done.”)
We’ve also gotten “so good” at the juggle, our critical awareness is low. We start to lose touch with how we are feeling and so often aren’t even aware of what we need anymore. So we don’t recognize it, we don’t reach out, we don’t speak out… and we stew in shame.
But here’s the truth: Your voice matters. Your needs matter. And when you start honoring both, you create space for true freedom in your life.
The ALIGN Method: Finding Your Voice and Reclaiming Your Time
Luckily, this is where my ALIGN Method comes in.
Through the ALIGN Method, you’ll learn to:
• Audit not just your calendar, but your relationship with speaking up for yourself
• Learn which situations trigger your shame response and drain your energy (saying no to work projects, not being able to make kid school trips or performances, etc)
• Integrate your values so you can confidently express your “True Yes” and “Not right now”
• Guide yourself toward authentic communication in all your roles
• Navigate the discomfort that comes with using your voice after years of silence
My clients consistently report that once they start honoring their own voice, they find it easier to set boundaries around their time and start enjoying their lives again.
As a client once shared: “I spent a lot of time thinking I needed to be available to everyone all the time. The first time I said ‘I’m not available’ without apologizing, I felt terrified, but liberated. Now it’s becoming second nature, and I’ve reclaimed my evenings completely.”
Breaking Free from Shame: Your Next Steps
So let me be clear: I’m not advocating for telling all and oversharing, but appropriate sharing in safe spaces is where shame goes to die.
Share; use your voice. Don’t stay quiet in places you believe in.
Align yourself. Shackles off.
Ready to find your voice and reclaim your time? Let’s talk.
P.S. Finding Your North Star: If you’ve been feeling like the shackles are on lately, perhaps fear has been taking you away from your North star… Click here for my quick recap.
“The way you can tell you’re following fear away from your North Star is that while this course may feel safe, it will also feel imprisoning. The way you can tell that something lies true north, even though inner-lizard fear says to run from it, is that it feels liberating.” ~ Martha Beck
Try on something this week that might feel scary but feels liberating. Shoot me an email @coachheidi@empoweredcoachingha.com or follow me on Instagram @empoweredcoachingha and let me know what you’re planning to try – I’d love to cheer you on!
