Well, I wrote this to my mailing list on Election Day here in the U.S. Even at the time, it I recognized it was both timely and untimely… not knowing who would win, but also acknowledging how far we have come and knowing how much more work there is to do. Now here we are, knowing the results of the election, it has a bit more of a sting– that brutally honest pain of truth that is hard to reconcile and yet needed to move forward. I’m hoping this book summary helps normalize your experience and allows for you to see different approaches that might be useful.
As always, if you think coaching could help, setup a free consult here.
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA.
Intro: click here for my intro/overview.
Part I: What You Take with You. The tools that can help right now. See last week.
Now on to Part II: “The Real Enemy:” dedicated to the patriarchy and acknowledging that the game is rigged.
Learned helplessness: animals (including humans) “who repeatedly find themselves in bad situations from which they can’t escape may not even try to escape, even when given the opportunity. When an animal has learned helplessness, it goes straight past frustration right to the pit of despair.”
This part of the book describes how patriarchy influences our world: via explicit misogyny (aka “locker-room” talk), sex and relationship violence, body image/ dysmorphia, and the ability to speak and be heard.
“In the twenty-first century West… it’s a constant low-level stream of stressors that are out of your control. Most individual examples are little more than an annoyance… but they accumulate.”
This is complicated by the fact our biologic response to stress may be different (in rats, it’s been shown that female rats exposed to chronic stress persist longer than male rats) and that we’re often told we’re not experiencing any more or different stress than men (i.e. a form of gaslighting).
Gaslighting leaves its recipient feeling like whatever is wrong, it must be your fault—often creating feelings of being trapped, while making you believe you put yourself in that trap and there is no way out.
They talk about ongoing inequalities in the time and effort spent on childcare and household tasks as well as emotional and cultural dynamics, rooted in history of men having power over women and their bodies.
Headwinds/ Tailwinds Asymmetry: people tend to notice their adversarial headwinds and not their helpful tailwinds. “People in any dominant group find it impossible to believe that the road isn’t as flat for others as it is for them; they only know they’re working really hard. But there is a simple reality check to help counteract this cognitive bias.”
“Instead of wondering why they aren’t thriving on the level playing field, imagine how the field can be changed to allow everyone to thrive.”
In order to combat the rigged game:
- Complete the Cycle: especially with the feels about the patriarchy: rage, grief, despair
- Unlearning Helplessness:
- Do a Thing: when you feel trapped, free yourself from anything, and it will teach your body that you are not helpless. Feeling overwhelmed by the new or international politics or disasters? Do something; “your goal is to stabilize you, so that you can maintain a sense of efficacy, so that you can do the important stuff your family and your community need from you.”
- We unlearn helplessness by doing a thing.
- Smash: smash the patriarchy by engaging with your Something Larger. The goal is not to end patriarchy necessarily but to do something: soon, concrete, positive, specific, and personal that also smashes the patriarchy.
Tl;dr:
-The Game is rigged. The patriarchal system surrounding us influence how and if women (especially women of color) can show up. If we struggle, it’s our own fault for not being “good enough;” this is gaslighting. And Human Giver Syndrome—the contagious belief that you have a moral obligation to give every drop of your humanity in support of others, no matter the cost to you—thrives in patriarchy. The solution: SMASH it.
The next chapter is dedicated to the “Bikini Industrial Complex:” the business industries that profit by setting “aspirational ideals” and selling us ineffective but plausible ways to meet the ideal.
Weight/BMI/Stigma all take up time and money that could be spent on other things.
Strategies to combat this:
- Practice body acceptance
- Embrace body diversity: it’s ok to question the socially constructed ideal. You get to define and redefine your body’s worth; turn toward your body with kindness and compassion.
- Listen to your body: notice what it feels like inside your body and greet those internal sensation with the same kindness and compassion as the outside.
Sign up today so you don’t miss next week Part III: Wax On, Wax Off: How connection will make you stronger and help you Grow Mighty.
It’s important for all of us to recognize that elections can be a huge stressor (before, during, and after). Don’t forget to take care of yourself and complete the stress cycle. It’s simple, unless we manage our stress, we won’t be available to smash it.
Heidi
