Last week we looked at Dreaded Feedback. I mentioned the book Thanks For The Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well By Douglas Stone and Shelia Heen; there’s another book I just finished Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head—and How to Get It Out By Kara Loewentheil.
I wanted to merge two chapters that I think might be helpful after last week. Feedback can come in many shapes and forms. Sometimes, it’s super helpful. This is how we grow: increasing knowledge, skills, and how we get or stay on track.
Sometimes—not so much.
Thanks For The Feedback: Chapter 5 Don’t Switchtrack: Disentangle What From Who has a few things I found really helpful. There’s a larger discussion but too long for this, so I’ll pare it down as best I can (feel free to listen or read the whole thing for more).
Two Main relationship triggers:
#1. What we think about the giver:
- People we admire: our default assumption is to believe them and appreciated the feedback. Often, feedback comes preapproved.
- Everyone else: maybe it’s not entirely pre-disqualified, but we’re on higher alert. Most common disqualifiers involve trust, credibility, and the (lack of) skill or judgment they deliver their feedback with. We often reject the feedback based on the who.
- Trust: their motives are suspect (they’re out to undermine or control us/ don’t have our best interests at heart/ might not care about us, etc).
- Credibility: they don’t know what they’re talking about.
- Skill or judgment: how, when, or where they gave the feedback.
#2. How we feel treated by the giver: “whether professional or personal, casual or intimate, we expect many things from our relationships. Among these there are three key relationship interests that commonly get snagged on the brambles of feedback: our needs for appreciation, autonomy, and acceptance.”
- Appreciation: Do they see our efforts and successes?
- Autonomy: Are we given appropriate space and control?
- Acceptance: Do they respect or accept who we are (now)?
“Relationship triggers create switchtrack conversations, where we have two topics on the table and talk past each other.”
What helps? Awareness: be able to see and separate the original feedback and relationship concern.“I see two related but separate topics for us to discuss. They are both important. Let’s discuss each topic fully but separately, giving each topic its own track.”
Have you ever noticed your best friend (often trusted & credible) can give you certain feedback that others cannot OR sometimes those closest to us just can’t give us feedback, no matter how well intentioned or accurate?
Surprise Players in the feedback game:
- Strangers: sometimes strangers can give feedback that is viewed as credible, with no ulterior motives and the feedback is accepted. It’s also often much easier to dismiss a stranger’s feedback if seen as non-credible.
- People we find difficult: “you don’t trust them. You don’t like them. They say all the wrong things at all the wrong times. Why in the world would you listen to feedback from them?” Sometimes these people see/bring out your worst. And sometimes they shine a light on where you need to grow.
One thing I want to point out. Notice when feedback is “preapproved” and you trust it as the “truth”… sometimes even trusting it more than your own experience. It’s worthwhile asking, why do we do that?
This is where the “Why We Seek External Validation” Chapter 6 Take Back Your Self-Esteem in Take Back Your Brain comes into play.
More on external validation next week????
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