Ok so maybe you’ve been reading my emails or posts for the past few weeks; perhaps you’ve been trying out how empowering NO can be? [PS A little plug: if you want to hop on my email lists and get a weekly email plus some fun extras, click here to sign up.]
If not, why not? What’s holding you back?
If you have… perhaps you’ve gotten some feedback from family, friends, work… How’s that going?
Feedback can feel really scary for a lot of us. The word itself may tie your stomach in knots or make you want to puke. I get it.
Last week, I mentioned how fear of others’ response often holds us back. What if they are disappointed, mad, frustrated? And often, it’s the imagining of this possibility that holds us back. But ramp it up; perhaps you finally got the courage to do “the thing,” and then the other person had that reaction you feared most… and now wants to give you some feedback about it.
Well, shit. ????
For women, feedback often takes on a more critical lens. We tend to internalize feedback more, are more self-critical, and make the feedback mean something about us (how we’re not good enough/ worthy enough/right for the job, etc). Ugh. ????
But, let’s practice a zoom out and look at feedback for what it is. I read Thanks For The Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (By Douglas Stone and Shelia Heen) several months ago.
I liked this summary:
“Feedback is really three different things, with different purposes:
Appreciation—motivates and encourages.
Coaching—helps increase knowledge, skill, capability, growth, or raises feelings in the relationship.
Evaluation—tells you where you stand, aligns expectations, and informs decision making.
We need all three, but often talk at cross-purposes. Evaluation is the loudest and can drown out the other two. (And all coaching includes a bit of evaluation.) Be thoughtful about what you need and what you’re being offered, and get aligned.”
The next chapter in the book talks about understanding feedback. Most of us jump to judging the feedback: wrong vs right. Many of us also jump to judging ourselves with regard to the feedback.
No matter what the feedback entails (appreciation, coaching or evaluation), practice listening to feedback without adding extra meaning/judgement can be the best place to start. Especially when we are trying on new thoughts and habits (like honoring our authentic No’s), looking at feedback as neutrally as possible can be a really helpful place to start.
Imagine a silly example: you’re wearing new blue jeans. Someone comments that they don’t really like your purple pants. Rather than diving down a rabbit hole of wondering if they are color blind, or maybe you are (on a particularly wound up day, you might start to question your whole wardrobe or obviously lacking sense of style)… just pause and think interesting thought ????; thanks for the feedback. No more, no less. And really, the ‘thanks’ is optional. ????
Feedback can all hold that amount of weight. You truly can choose to take it or leave it. You can choose to add any meaning to it or not. But that, my friends, is a practice.
Next, if it hits closer to home and it’s not about purple pants: maybe someone calls you selfish, a bad mom, or tells you you’re not great at your job— can you imagine: “thanks for the feedback” might be all that’s needed? Is it appreciation/ coaching/ evaluation? Imagine the freedom in choosing to take it or leave it.
It’s actually a perfect way to practice the coaching model framework: Circumstance (in this case= Feedback)–> Thought –>Feeling –> Actions –> Results.
Notice how your thoughts about feedback set the stage for the rest of it.
Cheers to practicing your No’s, listening out for feedback as neutral, and checking in with your thoughts about it all.
And if you are struggling with any of these stages or want to know more, please just take a few minutes: reach out and schedule a free call.
P.S. Next week, I’ll dive into relationship triggers: Disentangling What from Who.
