Do you ever get stuck in a ruminative loop?
I.e. Something shitty happens or you really wish it went another way AND your brain just keeps looping back to it over and over again.
Sometimes, I wonder if our brain knows there’s a lesson buried in there somewhere so it circles over and over (like that annoying computer circle of death when it’s frozen).
Now, rather than waiting for it to stop, I try to intentionally look at how I’m feeling and the story I’m telling myself… and typically the lesson emerges.
I was just talking about this kids book the other day and wanted to share a short story; it’s from a book called Zen Shorts by Jon J Muth.
A Heavy Load
Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn’t step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there, looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants. They had nowhere to place the packages they held for her, so they couldn’t help her across the puddle.
The younger monk noticed the woman, said nothing and walked by. The older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other side. She didn’t thank the older monk, she just shoved him out of the way and departed.
As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied. After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. “That woman back there was very selfish and rude, but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then she didn’t even thank you!”
“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk replied. “Why are you still carrying her?”
Just know, if the ruminative loop feels like a heavy weight that you keep carrying, you aren’t alone. But there are options if you’d like to drop it.
With a simple coaching Model (see one of my original posts to help clarify): tell the story of what happened. Weed out the facts. Then look at your thoughts about those facts.
What story are you telling yourself? What are you making it mean?
Next up: how are you feeling?
Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart Chapter #3: Places We Go When Things Don’t Go as Planned had some helpful insights for me in distinguishing these: disappointment, regret, discouragement, resignation, and frustration.
“Disappointed: It didn’t work out how I wanted, and I believe the outcome was outside of my control.
Regretful: It didn’t work out how I wanted, and the outcome was caused by my decisions, actions, or failure to act.
Discouraged: I’m losing my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort–I’m losing the motivation and confidence to persist.
Resigned: I’ve lost my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort– I’ve lost the motivation and confidence to persist.
Frustrated: Something that feels out of my control is preventing me from achieving my desired outcome.”
| So, the next time something doesn’t go as planned, ask yourself: how you are you feeling? What are you doing when you feel this way? Anything you are Not doing when you feel like this? What’s the end result? It’s important to look at this with a curious lens (a bystander approach if you will). Bonus points if you can see how it is unfolding with some self-compassion. Is there anything you can learn from what happened? Use this to guide you and grow. P.S. When the lesson surfaces, the brain tends to quiet down: good-bye ruminative loop. Here’s your way to get back some time. Stop the ruminative loop. Cheers to setting down the heavy load and giving your brain a rest, Heidi |
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