(Not to be confused with selfish.)
“Be a selfist. The psychologist Carin Rubenstein writes about how quickly she fell into the modern trap of denying herself for the sake of her children. To remedy this, she developed the idea of being a “selfist” (not to be confused with selfish), whose needs are just as important as her family’s. A selfist ensures that she is well taken care of too. “
“Strive to be a good enough, not perfect parent, teacher, or coach. Kids don’t need perfect role models. In fact, perfection doesn’t serve them, and it doesn’t serve the adults in their lives. Our kids need someone who is just good enough: someone who loves them and teaches them what it means to be an imperfect, lovable human. To teach kids how to love themselves unconditionally, they need adults in their lives modeling self-acceptance, flaws and all.” ~Never Enough by Jennifer Breheny Wallace
One of the most common things I’ve seen coaching moms with young children is the belief “I can’t… because it would be selfish.”
I can’t is often code for I “shouldn’t.”
Or I’ll judge myself really harshly if I did.
Or I’m worried what others will think of me…
Or I’ll tell myself that “I’m a bad mom” if I do.
So I won’t.
P.S. We’re not talking about anything extreme here. It’s everyday things that might really nourish these moms. It’s a dinner with friends, a bookclub, an afternoon surfing or a date night with their partner. It’s often the small things regularly done that add up to recharge.
So what are you telling yourself that you “can’t” do?
Or shouldn’t do?
What if you did it and it actually made you a better mom?
Perhaps you show up better-resourced for the next 4 year old tantrum or evening bath meltdown? Or for when your 6 year old is up two hours past bedtime “having a hard time sleeping?” All while you are walking around masked with Covid trying not to contaminate your house…
<<Don’t ask me how I know.>>
What if the things you are telling yourself make you a bad mom simply aren’t true?
Perhaps now is the time to be a selfist.
You may ask what this picture has to do with being a selfist?
Lake Michigan was cold (for this now Floridian!)… but this was after I first took the time to jog 8 miles to the beach.
Why? Because I’m a healthier version of me physically, mentally, and emotionally when I exercise.
This is part of my self-care.
This allows me to have fun in these moments… but it’s something I wouldn’t have done a few years ago without coaching. I would have had too much mom-guilt and “should-ed” myself out of it…
Circling back to Dr Edith Eger from The Gift; she reminds us:
“It’s good to be self-ish: to practice self-love and self-care.”
“Sometimes life requires us to go with the flow. Sometimes it’s the right thing to prioritize. Others’ needs modify our plans. And of course, we want to do everything in our power to support our loved ones, to be sensitive to their needs and desires, to engage in teamwork and interdependence. But generosity isn’t generous if we chronically give at the expense of ourselves. If our giving makes us a martyr or fuels our resentment. Love means that we practice self-love. That we strive to be generous and compassionate towards others and to ourselves.”
“How do you structure your time so you don’t neglect yourself? When do you rest and replenish? How do you create a balance between working, loving, and playing?”
To all my working mommas, I know you are making time for working. Now it’s time to make time for loving and playing, especially for you.
If you are ready to unlock more free time, join me today for my new course: Unlocking Free Time. There’s active rolling enrollment right now! You get weekly lessons as recorded video/audio content, weekly one-on-one coaching and free access to group coaching as an extra bonus/ support. It’s the best focused way to see where your time is going, with enough of a pause to (re)assess where you want it to go, and deliberately take the time– for you!
