“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each one of them– we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”
~Brené Brown: Atlas of the Heart
My next coaching concept I wanted to focus on is unconditional love. This was a hard one for me at first… and is for many of my clients. I had very conditional love modeled all around me growing up. Unfortunately, money was often the tool that was wielded by grandparents. Take the dysfunction of a family business, some poorly managed mental illness, and throw in some alcohol… this concoction starts to make sense. If certain conditions were met, money and love were given… and if not met, the family’s money (and love) were taken away. Love was, well, VERY conditional. It always seemed to be looming with a threat. You could easily argue, this wasn’t really love at all… At the time, I didn’t really know any different as a child. That was simply what love looked like. It took some time to realize there was another choice.
Perhaps love doesn’t have to be so conditional? What if we could give ourselves and others the greatest gift? Unconditional love.
Why you may ask? Because it feels damn good.
Who do you struggle with? A parent, sibling, boss, friend, or partner.
Most of us would choose to feel love over disappointment, anger, or resentment any day… and yet we don’t consciously choose it. We have expectations and when people fail to meet them, we use that as an excuse to feel terrible.
Here’s the opportunity: we can choose to give our power away and be the marionette that’s dangled by another’s actions OR we can see how our thoughts about others’ actions create our feelings—knowing this gives us the freedom to choose how we want to feel. (The marionette strings get cut and you are free.)
Choosing LOVE for you
You have the option to feel love at any time. Sometimes, you’ll choose to feel uncomfortable emotions: sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, vulnerability, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration. Those are available to you any time, but so is love.
When you choose to feel any emotion on purpose, especially when it’s a great one like LOVE, you are the primary beneficiary. (Although I’m sure it impacts how you show up in the world, too.) On the flip side, when you are brooding in an uncomfortable milieu of negativity, often it’s you who suffers the most.
Sometimes you feel like you don’t have a choice. That’s where practice comes in (and it helps to have a coach!); when you see the opportunity for choice– what do you choose?
I’ll leave with two quotes from Dr Edith Eger’s book The Gift. It’s beautiful and she’s so incredible and inspiring; we’re reading it in my coaching program for a Book Club next month.
“If you want to have a loving relationship… it can’t be based on needing each other. It’s because you want each other. So, you can choose. Do you want to have guilt, or do you want to have love? To choose love is to become kind and good and loving for you.”
“If you want to take charge of your thinking, first examine what you’re practicing, and then decide: is it empowering or depleting me? Before you say anything, especially to yourself, ask, “Is it kind and loving?””
~Dr Edith Eger: The Gift
Want more unconditional love in your life?
Reach out this week for a free coaching session.
Or finally FEELING READY? Join our small group right away— we meet on Sundays or Wednesdays: it’s an amazing space for connection, acceptance, and growth.
