I’m going to flip last week’s concept into something I’ve been thinking more about: do you have a ‘manual’ for yourself?
What’s in the instruction guide on how you should behave so that you can feel good and happy about yourself?
What are the ‘shoulds’–especially those that are unexamined and/or unexpressed? These are the self-imposed shoulds: as a health care provider, partner, parent, child, employee, leader, boss, friend, etc… Are these ‘shoulds’ true, kind or helpful? Would we hold the same expectations for a close friend?
What if we drop the manual on who we are supposed to be? Or what we are supposed to do/ look like? Or how much money we are supposed to make, how many hours per week we should work, etc.
Maybe take a few minutes to reflect on: what does your own instruction manual look like for yourself so that you can feel good/ happy?
For example: I can tell you the Type A, perfectionistic, people-pleaser in me really hates to make mistakes. (The underlying SHOULD is that I shouldn’t make them.) The rumination about past mistakes (both big and little) used to haunt me. But with coaching, I’ve learned to be so much kinder to myself in these moments (like noticing typos in my emails/posts). Combining these tools with Kristen Neff’s self-compassion tools = game changer in the way I speak to myself (and likely my kids btw). Old inner critic: you are so stupid. I can’t believe you didn’t proofread… on and on. New inner talk: huh… that’s weird, I thought I fixed that. Well, we all make mistakes. Given time constraints and that this is for fun… no need to dwell. Acknowledge the disappointment. Acknowledge it’s not such a big deal. Wipe hands, move on.
Shoutout to my friend Kate for my latest read: Good Inside by Becky Kennedy. It’s been a really helpful framework for when my 4-year-old is struggling, I can practice the mindset: “You’re a good kid having a hard time.”
What if in our hard times or after big mistakes, this was the mantra we said to ourselves?
- You’re a good doctor having a hard time.
- You’re a good parent having a hard time.
- You’re a good partner having a hard time.
- The possibilities are endless… Imagine the repairs that can come from that space.
I invite you to challenge yourself to look at what expectations you have for YOU. [Some examples: I’m not a good parent/partner/doctor unless I… ]
Are they ones you want to keep? Are they kind or helpful?
It brings me back to Byron Katie’s work: is it true?
Perhaps more importantly, in the moments that you don’t meet your own expectations, can you speak to yourself with a little compassion?
“You’re a good _________ having a hard time.”
Imagine the difference when the inner self-critic isn’t ripping you to shreds?
I know it may sound soft and squishy. Like this guy’s cheeks:)
Just try it and see if there’s a shift.
Join me this week for a free coaching session to see if one-on-one coaching or group coaching could serve you. https://calendly.com/empoweredcoachingha/30minute/30minute
Or join our small group right away— we meet on Sundays or Wednesdays: it’s an amazing space for connection, acceptance, and growth. $100/month: 4 group sessions/month. Bring a friend or colleague for extra accountability!
*Discounts available for Medical Students and Residents. So pass along to anyone who might be interested!
Email me @ doctorsempowered@gmail.com with any questions.
